Ask The Master: 17 Dec 2007

Q. Beloved master, you tell us to ‘give our all’ in love. But what if the love is not appreciated or returned?

If you are truly in love, you will ‘give your all’ naturally. Love is an unconditional outpouring. In love, you don’t stop to ask yourself whether the other person deserves your ‘all’. In fact, there is no question at all of the other person’s worth. Love is a gift. If you were to measure the other person’s worth and give an equal and exact measure of love in return, that would simply be a bargain. It would be business, not love. In true love, this question of ‘should I give my all?’ would not be raised at all!

Now the issue of the love being appreciated. Tell me, what is your reason for loving? Is love a performance for which you need to be applauded? Is it not enough that you love? What is the need to look for any further reward? To ask for a returning of love is to seek some kind of control over your beloved. You refuse the other person the freedom not to love you in return. This is a kind of possessiveness, where you cage the other in the prison of your expectations. And as I keep repeating, love can never, never blossom in captivity.

Listen carefully: there are two kinds of love - love as a quantity, and love as a quality. When love is seen as a quantity, it results in the kind of selfish little exchanges that most people make all their lives. You hold out a tightly wrapped parcel of love to your man or woman, and expect them to promptly return an equal-sized parcel to you. If your partner should choose to give her parcel to someone else, or even to just open it and spread the love around, you feel cheated and angry. You are both bound to each other by a pact of reciprocation. You have to be ‘made for each other’. Sooner or later, this kind of arrangement leaves you cramped and frustrated, and in anger you withdraw your parcel and go off to find someone else to exchange it with. Or else your partner does that.

Now the kind of love I would like you to grow towards, is love experienced as a quality of your very being. This kind of love is simply an outpouring of one’s joy and gratitude, just for being alive. It is a fragrance of joy, it spreads itself around unconditionally. It does not need an object, it does not need a return gift. This kind of love is like sunshine or rain; it gives of itself unconditionally, and whomsoever stands within its circle can experience the warmth or the freshness without question. This love always enriches; it is the only kind of love that can be enjoyed without fear or guilt.

For love to become your quality, you must be willing to surrender yourself completely. Only in an egoless state can this love arise. This is not easy, but you can make a beginning. You will discover that simply through love and gratitude, you begin to let go of the ego, just a little. And as you let go, more and more love enters into that space. Try practicing this in your relationships. There’s no need to make a fuss about loving; don’t become serious in your love - just be totally sincere!

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This excerpt has been taken from the book: Uncommon Answers to Common Questions