Ask The Master: 31 Dec 2007

Q. Why do love and pain always go hand in hand? I try to give a lot of freedom to my partner in my relationships, but just end up getting used.

In the first place, isn’t your idea of ‘giving freedom’ to your beloved a very wrong one? Love itself implies giving the other total freedom, unconditional freedom. To say that you are giving a certain amount of freedom to the other (whatever you consider necessary!) itself shows that you are holding back something in your giving.

It is natural to want to possess your beloved - that is the play of the ego. It is difficult to imagine that your beloved may need space and time away from you, isn’t it? You try to do the right thing - by ‘giving freedom’ to your lover. But when she actually uses that freedom, you end up feeling exploited. Honestly, you never expected that she would ever use that freedom to do her own thing, or to be with someone else, did you?

So understand what I am saying and don’t make the mistake of generalizing: every time I give freedom in my relationships, I get used. Are you sure the fault is not yours as well? The reason that love usually brings with it so much pain is that lovers unknowingly force each other into the golden cage of their own expectations. But true love can never blossom in captivity. You try and imprison your lover, and she does the same, time after time, until you end up feeling that love is so much misery that perhaps it is better not to love at all. But once you close yourself to love, what is left? Nothing!

Love can be a door to joy and freedom, or it can become a living hell. To experience love as pain is to miss the whole point of love. There is a saying, ‘If you love someone, set her free. If she is yours, she will come back to you; if she doesn’t come back, it means she never was yours anyway.’ Try following this, not just in your romantic attachments, but in all your relationships.

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This excerpt has been taken from the book: Uncommon Answers to Common Questions