Ask The Master: 7 Dec 2007

Q. If there is conflict in a relationship, is it better to keep trying or to move on?

Good question. Love is the most dangerous path there is! Only those with great courage dare tread this path. At any bend on this path, you have to be prepared for great joy, great pain, great beauty, great struggle, or great understanding.

Yes, there is bound to be conflict in every relationship, because every individual is unique, and no two personalities fit together so perfectly that no rough edges remain.
If there is conflict, don’t sweep it under the carpet out of fear that it will destroy the relationship. On the contrary, ignoring it can do just that. Allow the conflict. Examine it. See what you can learn from it. Is it stemming from something in yourself that you are secretly unwilling to acknowledge? It is only in an intimate relationship that you discover yourself.

Your partner is like a foil reflecting your true nature. After all, who else dares point out your worst flaws with so much clarity? So examine the nature of your conflict. Also remember, in every relationship, there is a time to stay together and a time to move on. What kind of love do you share? Are you really, truly, surely in love? Do you relate deeply with each other, being to being?

Don’t look for reasons and arguments; don’t intellectualize the process - simply turn the question inwards with complete honesty and trust. The answer will arise on its own.

If your answer is ‘yes’, then understand that the issues of conflict are mere ripples on the surface of your relationship. These are just situations created by the ego to counter the sense of ‘no-self’, of surrender, that comes with love. Work around these situations with love and care.

If the answer you are hearing is ‘no’, then maybe it is time to move on. To remain in a relationship where there is no true relationship of being to being is sacrilege, unfair to you both. Love for you may be elsewhere. Don’t search for it; just be open to the possibility. In the meantime, don’t let the conflict destroy the relationship, destroy you both. Nobody deserves that. Accept that this is not the person for you, and move on without resentment or bitterness. Don’t destroy your own capacity for loving. To become bitter will only cause you more suffering, and destroy your faith in love itself. And that is the most dangerous thing that can happen to anyone.

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This excerpt has been taken from the book: Uncommon Answers to Common Questions