Ask The Master: 5 Dec 2007

Q. Can love also be ego-fulfilling?

Yes – when it arises from the intellect. In fact, most people are either exploiting or being exploited in a relationship. Ego is the whole basis of what we nowadays call a love-hate relationship. Most ‘love’ relationships end up this way because your partner will at some point refuse (or be unable) to meet the demands of your ego.

All the complaints you hear from people who claim to be in love point to a hurt ego, ‘she never listens; he doesn’t respect me; she doesn’t understand my needs’, etc., etc. are nothing but the complaints of a bruised ego.

Remember this: the ego thrives on conflict. Conflict provides the sense of separateness, the sense of ‘me versus him/ her/ them’ in which the ego feels strengthened. When you fall newly in love, you become automatically ready to surrender to the beauty of the experience. The ego is forced to take a back seat. But when the love comes from the intellect, it cannot sustain this ‘high’ for long. As soon as the relationship has become a familiar thing, the ego hits back, creating the situations of conflict necessary for its own survival.

Love-hate relationships are not confined to romantic attachments alone. Parents and children have a perennial ego tussle, with parents trying to live their lives a second time through their child, and the child’s ego trying to rebel against this imposition upon its own freedom.

If you recognize these symptoms in your own relationship, it is time to realize that what you are experiencing is not love. As they say, true love has no opposite. It cannot turn into hatred, no matter what. What you are truly looking for is a better sense of self, which the other person’s presence is temporarily fulfilling. Become aware!

______________________
This excerpt has been taken from the book: Uncommon Answers to Common Questions